BOTTLED UP.

I know this won't be seen seeing as no one looks at this so I'm going to just vent. I have way too much built up and I need to just let it go.

I miss you Mom. So many things unsaid before you left me, just knowing that I have to celebrate your birthday for the both of us next month is hard. I remember when I turned 18 and you said "Oh you think you the sh*t now that you 18 huh?" and I said yeah lol. I wish I didn't leave you, you possibly could still be here if I didn't leave. We could've came to an agreement or something to where you would accept how things would be as far as me sticking by Samantha and Dasia. I just wish I had that chance to talk to you before you left. I was so broken, I felt so stupid for not trying to talk to you. All I can live off of is memories, I miss you so much....I never thought I would lose you at such a young age. It's been over 4 months but the wounds are still fresh, I don't know how I'll ever get over you Mom...I just don't.

Now...on to you...I wish...just for a moment you could see what you do to me mentally. Even when we're in the same room you make me feel so alone. You make me feel like I'm so boring and have nothing to offer to you. "OMG I'm so bored" "Where's Tommy?" *txts Mark*. Only time we actually spend time together is when the internet is messing up, other than that its Xbox from the moment you wake up to the time you go to sleep. I know what you're going to say "what else is there to do?" but you told me yourself you wouldn't spend all your days on it anymore and that we would spend more time together. I honestly get real jealous of your friends because they get way more time with you than I do. And if we're going to go all the way in about it I really don't want to go to Cali. I never did, I wanted to go back to St Louis I honestly enjoyed my time there and thought it would be nice there and you even said we were going to move back there but then all of a sudden you say you're moving to Cali like what's with that? Why Cali? Honestly Why? Why now? Why can't it be later? Why hold off that money when there's things that Dasia need. Clothes? Shoes? Supplies? What about those? And when we get there how the living situation going to work? She already has 4 kids living with her where we going? Sleeping on the floor? I doubt we'll have money knowing how expensive tickets are so what would we do? Who could we rely on? We can't ask Aunt Vicky to support us she tryna do her best with the unemployment she gets every month and you know mama aint gonna have money paying for rent and utilities every month. Yeah go ahead assume that I don't want us to go to Cali cause of him and you would be damn right. I honestly wouldn't know how to trust you under them circumstances. It would be "oh I'm going to visit" and then my mind is clouded with negative thoughts, I could see if he was a friend but he's a ex at the end of the day so there would be no way I could trust you or him to not do anything at all. Think of this, when we were in Philly Diamond was in Fairmount Park (a park in Philly) and she wanted me to come see her and to be honest I was like wow this probably my only opportunity but I said no, why? because even thought my intentions were friendly at best I knew you wouldn't like nor trust that but we were together at that time so I guess things are different...I know I can't stop you from doing what you want but I feel like if I tell you how I feel you'll just push me to the side and will give me a big "fuck you". I hate that you still talk to him, period, on a daily basis at that. I feel like you want to go to Cali for him sometimes...even got a bear named after him :/ even that damn bear pisses me off just by looking at it in the closet. I just don't see why we can't go to St Louis like we originally planned. I mean mama doesn't wanna live there too and I darn sure don't want to leave her. I don't think it's right to make mama live somewhere where she doesn't feel comfortable. She rather go back home to where she know her way and all that. I'm a very jealous person ok? I can't help it, I'm so attached to you I wish we were able to do more stuff together, play games together like we used to, be outside like we used to, spend time alone like we used to. I wish I didn't take offense to you when you said I was too clingy because at the end of the day even when I don't try to show it, I'll always be clingy to you. I love you so much and none of this is to offend you or to trash talk you I just needed to let it go even though I know nothing will change why should it? It's not like you took me back or anything why should you care about how I feel?, even if you do decide to come across my blog and see this it'll probably would be by the time we're already in Cali or something...smh....I'm so dreading that day....Why me :'[ can't I get a 2nd chance at this thing or something? ugh *sighs* I hate love...

Oh and feel free to say I brought this on myself, I just know if we were to trade places, I would handle things a lot different than you. Maybe I'm too nice or maybe you just don't know when a person is sincere but I would do anything to have you all to myself again like I used to. I can't make you stop talking to people or stop doing things but I know I changed a whole lot to save what's left of this relationship, if I still have hope that is. You say I'm your life partner? I'm your everything? I'll sure love it when you start showing it...

AND IF I DIDN'T SAY IT ENOUGH THIS IS NOT TO OFFEND YOU, DISRESPECT YOU OR TO TALK ABOUT YOU. Not like people read my blog anyways v_v