phillykidd

Listening to Epik High again. Never realized how much I missed this music. I've been listening to them all day. I miss a lot of things. I tend to dwell on the past but then again what is there good about the present right now? Most of my days are lonesome since the funeral. I've put up a wall to people that aren't my family. People that were once my friends are just considered people I'm willing to talk to on a sometimes basis. I only have a best friend, a kid and a brother now and I have no problem with that. I used to want a whole bunch of friends but what's the point? They're just temporary even when they tell you when they'll always be there. Plus most if not all the friends I had always wanted a relationship as if I owed it to them. I'm just tired of it all to be honest, I just won't put myself in a position where someone likes me just because I'm nice to them. I've had too much time on my hands since last month. All I do is wake up and stay in my room most of the days. I barely eat, I think I'm slightly depressed, but I kind of feel as if I could've prevented it. For one thing I think I could've done more to fix the relationship between me and my mom as well as my brother. I know we all have faults but I don't think it's right to runaway and cut ties with them unless they don't want to be in your life. When I saw my brother crying and I hugged him I felt like I saw the real him for the 1st time. My family always had layers when it came to showing their feelings it was just surprising to see him mature the way he did and not be afraid to show his soft side. I miss my mom so much, everytime I think about her my eyes just start to water. I never thought I would be parentless by age 19 it hurts so bad. I always thought she was a strong woman I never expected this to happen. I don't know how long it will take to accept this, it's still surreal to me. On to other things, I miss my family. I miss the fun we had when we didn't have nothing but a small tv, a dreamcast, and food to maintain. I feel like I was perhaps robbed of that experience when the whole reunion thing came about. I love family but I just wish we had separate homes to be quite honest. I miss my daughter, I hope I don't have to be up here too long I'm not trying to wait til she's 9 to see her again I would feel like I missed out on too much. I miss a lot of the time we spent, I miss the time we could've spent and that I take blame for. I could've did more and it's messed up that it had to take me to be by myself to realize that. I used to always bash you for feeling someway for me spending with my friends but now the tables pretty much turned and I deserve it. I took you for granted for a long time and I know it will take a while to get it back to how it used to be but I'm willing to work for it. I know you probably still haven't got over that breakup a while ago and that's probably why I still feel this distance but hopefully after I get my life together and get a few essentials like the xbox lol we can spend more time together and be happy again. I honestly hate that I barely get to talk to you but I know why it's like that so I'll just be optimistic about it and be a better boyfriend. I love you, you're my best friend and I promise to be better.